Let’s say you’re married. You’ve got the kid, the cable bills, the annual IKEA trips where relationships go to die, and the inevitable “how did I get here?” 3 a.m. existential spiral. But instead of buying a juicer or running off with a barista named Moon, what if you…opened your marriage?
We spoke to Deepa Paul: author, mother, wife, girlfriend, and seasoned wrangler of what polite society would call “a complex domestic configuration,” but what she might just call Tuesday. I sat down with Deepa during another episode of Radio Pleasure Society, our usual haunt for the intimate, the taboo, and the “are we really saying this out loud?” kind of chat. And yes, we covered all the polyamorous clichés you’re thinking of — jealousy, time management, and the eternal question of whether your boyfriend and your husband should share snacks at your book launch (spoiler: they did). Her new memoir Ask Me How It Works: Love in an Open Marriage is part tell-all, part tell-yourself-the-truth. It’s not a manual with bullet points or diagrams of polycules; it’s the lived, sticky, hilarious, and deeply moving experience of someone who decided traditional marriage just wasn’t big enough to contain her.
A question she hears often, second only to “are you jealous?” and “how do you explain this to your kid?” (Short answer: kindly and age-appropriately, just like you’d explain where babies come from — only with fewer diagrams and more nuance.) Deepa’s story begins not in a Berlin sex club or a Burning Man tent, but in something far more daring: a post-lockdown Amsterdam living room filled with people nervously sipping tea and trying not to say the word “orgy” too early. The Professionals in Sex Society (yes, we started this!) was born, and with it, a space where entrepreneurs, educators, and sexuality professionals could explore what it means to center sexuality in their work and their lives without having to explain themselves over the hors d'oeuvres at another networking event. From those humble, horny beginnings came a book — one that explores everything from Filipino family expectations to that time a butt plug decided to become an astronaut. (She Googled how to get it back).
Now, don’t get it twisted: this isn’t some shiny, kink-fest fantasy. Deepa’s brand of non-monogamy is less “ecstatic orgy under the moonlight” and more “parallel poly with strategic calendar invites.” Her setup? One husband, one daughter, one boyfriend and a whole lot of communication. From this came her book. It’s not perfect. But it works. Most days. And that is the whole damn point.
You’ve heard of kitchen table polyamory — the aspirational utopia where all your partners sit around, bake bread together, and lovingly co-parent a kombucha scoby. But what about “garden party polyamory”? As Deepa puts it, that’s where your partners show up to events, smile politely at each other, and try not to talk about your shared sex life over canapés. It’s real, it’s respectful, and it involves fewer spreadsheets than you’d think. Her boyfriend and husband may not be besties, but they’re garden-party cordial — showing up for book launches, birthdays and other similar events.
One of the most moving moments in our chat came when Deepa shared what she’s learned since writing the book: love expands. It morphs. It shapeshifts. And just when you think you’ve run out of room in your heart, it turns out there’s a whole damn annex waiting to be unlocked. This, she says, is the magic — not just of polyamory, but of any relationship that dares to evolve past the factory settings.
Here’s the truth: the book is called Ask Me How It Works, but Deepa’s not promising she has all the answers. What she has is a story — full of messy decisions, late-night realizations, and a whole lot of love — that just might make you rethink your own definitions of partnership, fidelity, and what it means to be “enough.” So if you’re monogamous, poly-curious, or simply nosey (same), I’d recommend you give it a read. You won’t just walk away with tips on navigating threesomes or surviving family dinners with your metamour. You’ll come away with a deeper sense of what it means to love generously — even when it’s complicated. Especially when it’s complicated. And if you’re lucky, you might just find that the next chapter of your love life doesn’t have to follow the rules at all. Buy Ask Me How It Works: Love in an Open Marriage in English here and in Dutch (Je Mag Me Alles Vragen: Liefde in een Open Huwelijk) here. Featured photo by: Samira Kafala